Larger than Life

11/10/2001

Today, I felt old, real old. I was growing tired and getting smaller with each passing second. Soon, I would be an insignificant speck in the annals of human history. The long day at work was done and I was heading for home.

My car broke the cool October night as I sped along the highway. I was lost in the thoughts and dreams of yesterday. Drifting in and out of memory’s lane, my car wove its way home. My car seemed to know the way and I was along for the ride. Time was like a signpost on the highway, approaches slowly and then zooms past fading into the distance – into a memory. One day blended into another, which created one continuous blurred image in my mind.

The light of the oncoming traffic brought my concentration back into focus. I was unprepared for tonight but they waited for me. I was not getting any younger and life was not getting any easier. I wanted to get home and to climb into my flannel pajamas. Maybe the Celtics would be on TV and maybe I could watch part of the game. But not tonight! My wife had made other plans. Tonight they waited for me. I asked her not to make this day larger than life but she had other ideas. I consciously slowed my car and dreaded going home.

I reached down and turned up the stereo just in time to catch the chorus of Three Doors Down’s Kryptonite:

“If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite”

The memories flew back into my head as Superman raced to Lois Lane’s rescue. These same memories saved me from the torridness of the daily grind and the pain of tonight. They brought me back to a simpler time, when anything was possible. I wanted to be a superhero. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to save Lois Lane. I wanted to be larger than life.

One day and one memory stuck out like a cold sore. I revolved around this like the Earth revolved around the sun. I wanted to escape but some mysterious force held me. This ‘gravity’ pushed me down and pinned me to the ground. Struggling as hard as I could, I could not escape. If I were Superman, I’d fly away. I would rule gravity and I would be its master. I became a black hole, a collapsing pit of ‘gravity’. This memory captured me and tortured me. This ‘gravity’ was stronger; it was larger than life. My entire life was summed up by the events of that single day.

Some memories are so faded they look like your favorite shirt that has been washed too many times, but not these vivid Technicolor memories. I drifted back to that autumn day and I still remembered the caress of the Indian summer breeze. I still felt the laziness of that late October day that had begun so beautifully. The last leaves of summer were being plucked from their branches by gravity and the sun’s embraces touched me like a lover. I was lost in the memories.

I woke early that day and looked out my bedroom window towards Randy’s house. His house was on the other side of Temple Lake and the gang was meeting there later. Anxiously, I prepared for the events that would change my life forever. I packed my duffle bag with the tools of my trade. I tried to dress quietly trying not to wake my pesky brother, Zeke. He usually slept through anything but I was not taking any chances. If he woke up; he would want to follow me. Today was too important. As far as brothers went, he was not bad but he was too young for the danger that lay ahead.

I slung the duffle bag over my shoulder, as I slid the bedroom window open. Taking a quick breath, I straddled the windowsill. I looked down at the ground below. I had to be careful, because this fall would be painful and would ruin today. I had to be at peak performance; I had to careful. I swung my right leg out the window and hung out the window from the waist down. My blue K-mart Trek sneakers searched for a crease in the siding that would support my weight. Finally, I rested my feet on a crack.

My neighbors had grown accustomed to my strange actions over the years but if they were watching they knew I had risen to a new level. They would have seen that strange ten-year-old kid with his blue jean clad ass hanging out the window and as tradition had it, blue jeans that were too short for his long legs exposing the white athletic sock with the two red stripes at the top. But luck was on my side and they did not spy my top-secret activities. Still, I had to be quiet because I didn’t want my father to catch me. I didn’t think that he would understand why his son would feel the need to use the window as a door when there was a perfectly good door downstairs. He was too pragmatic to understand. He had realized that his oldest son was a little queer and I think he was beginning to doubt my parentage. No son of his would ever climb out the window when there was a perfectly good door available and no fire.

I continued with my struggle, now hanging by my fingertips as I stretched for the deck below. It was off to my left and just out of reach. Stretching my entire body, Trek sneakers, white socks, blue jeans and my white Charlie’s Angel t-shirt and green duffle bag, I rested my foot on the edge of the deck. Shifting my weight, I made it down to the deck. I leapt from the deck to the ground landing in a crouch like spider waiting for a fly. I waited for detection, no father, no brother and no neighbors. I raced across the field to the edge of the woods. I entered the woods searching for a place to hide my duffle bag. I found a spot next to a giant rock that would be easy to find. Covering the green duffle bag with fallen leaves, I was confident that no one would find it or its contents.

I returned home where my arrival was marked by the appearance of Uncle Glenn. He was not really my uncle; he was my cousin but he was my mother’s age and everyone thought it was proper to show him respect. I had always liked him. He played football and basketball with me and the other kids in the neighborhood. He was fun. I was happy to see him.

As I ran into the house, he called to me, “Hey, buddy, pal, friend!” He grabbed me with his massive hairy arms, and he began to administer a series of nuggies and monkey bites.

As his hold tightened on me, I called out, “Lemme go!” I struggled to gain my freedom but his gorilla-like physique held me captive. My father and mother commanded me to stop brothering Glenn but I was the victim here. I was in his clutches. He held me off the ground with his left arm while his right hand attacked with the most vicious three-fingered monkey bite that was ever experienced in all of mankind. His patented monkey bite ripped into the fleshy part of my inner thigh nibbling its way towards my groin with its pinching contraction of his thumb, index finger and middle finger. Glenn’s signature move had always been fun but today for some reason it stopped being playful, there was something more.

The fun became painful and I struggled more, screaming for help. “Help me!” I cried out to my parents. They just stood by, chastising me as the monkey-biting gorilla was eating me. Out of desperation, I grabbed the hair on uncle Glenn’s massive shoulders. My tiny fingers sunk into the hairy carpet on his shoulders and I pulled with all the energies of a ten year old. The gorilla wailed and released me. As I fell to the ground, I could feel rage racing through Glenn’s body. I sprang to my feet and sprinted across the living room. In mid-stride, my father slapped the back of my head. I raced teary eyed to my room.

After the excitement died down, I began my training. Today was the big day and I had to be ready. Randy and David counted on me. I had just completed my sit ups when my brother, Zeke, crawled from underneath the covers of his bed. He could sleep through anything and he could sleep anywhere. I envied him for his special power.

Zeke watched me go through my training routine and his sense of awe was written all over his face. I stood in front of the mirror with my stomach tense, striking the taut muscles with clenched fist. He interrupted my routine with his annoyance, “Whatcha doing?”

“Training”, I said.

“Training for what?” he said puzzled.

“Training to be a superhero!”

“Oh! Can I? I wanna be a superhero!” he begged.

“No, you are too young.” I said focusing on my training.

“You’re no superhero,” he challenged.

“Oh ya! Go ahead and hit me! Hit me hard! Hit me as hard as you can! You can’t hurt me.” I commanded him, raising my arms to give a clear target. He attacked striking my stomach over and over. I chided him, “You can’t hurt me. I am like steel. You can’t hurt me! Hit me harder! It won’t hurt. In fact, you could hit me with your whole body. I would just laugh.”

“Oh Yah!” he cried as he ran to the other end of the room. Like a fighter jet taking off from an aircraft carrier, he launched himself at me. Standing with my back to the wall bracing myself for the assault. Muscles taut and jaw tensed I waited from him to hit. I don’t know what possessed me but when Zeke threw his whole body at me and was an airborne missile directed at my stomach, I sidestepped away. Zeke crashed in the wall behind me, head first like Wylie E Coyote into an Arizona butte. After the impact, he slid down the wall into a crumpled ball of little brother.

I jumped to his aid immediately with laughter and tears and all I could say was “Don’t tell mom! You will be okay but don’t tell mom!” He was okay and just last month, some thirty years later, he finally told mom, but this time it was larger than life.

It was time to meet up with Randy and David. After I finished my training session, said my goodbyes to my parents, Uncle Glenn and a few other guests that had arrived. As I made my way to the woods, I felt watchful eyes tracing my every move. I turned and saw Uncle Glenn’s eyes focused on me.

As I entered the woods, I removed my shirt and made my way to my duffle bag. Scrambling to my hidden cache, I removed a long sleeved blue shirt. As I donned the shirt the hand painted lines of a spider web glistened in the forest-muted sun. The small mistakes in the hand painted webbing were barely noticeable. With urgency I removed my sneakers, socks, pants and underwear, and slipped into the blue tights with hand painted webbing. I jumped back into my sneakers, that was the only part of my costume that needed work but for today it would be fine. Grabbing the red ski mask and the red rubber gloves that my mother used in the kitchen, I completed the clothing of a modern day knight. With my coil of rope, I was ready to fight for Truth, Justice and the American way! At that age I wasn’t sure if I knew what that meant but it sounded important. I left my alter ego at the rock as I charged into the woods. I was Spiderman with a coiled rope and green duffle bag. I entered the clearing where Randy and David waited for me. Shouting at the top of my lungs, “Defender Assemble!” Batman and the Flash joined me in our call to arms, “Defender Assemble!”

Randy was not a great Batman; he would have been a better Hulk. He was a year older than me and very big for his age. Some people would say that he was overweight but I believed that he was just big. Poor Randy was sensitive to his size but he was the strongest of the group. He was clad all in black: black snow boots, black jeans, a black shirt with a hand painted Batman logo, a black ski mask, and a ragged black cloth for a cape.

David on the other hand was the perfect Flash. He was the fastest of the group; his small and lithe body made him hard to catch. He was the one with the least amount of conviction in the group. Randy and I were the true blue superheroes but David went along for the ride. What else was there to do at Lake Temple? His costume demonstrated his lack of commitment: regular sneakers, blue jeans, a red shirt with a hand painted yellow lighting bolt, a red ski mask, and red wool gloves that I think belonged to his sister, Susan.

Even thought I was the youngest member of the Defenders, I was the leader. I was larger than life. I had the vision, the courage and passion. They followed me. I called the assembly together, “Today we assemble to fight for truth, justice and the American way. In attendance are The Flash, Batman and Spiderman. The first order of business is to decide on a group name. And I, Spiderman, recommend ‘The Defenders’.”

“We can’t use ‘The Defenders’”, Batman said. Shocked, The Flash and I looked at him. “The Defenders are a Marvel Comics superhero group, and The Flash and Batman are DC Comics characters.” He explained.

“But Spiderman is a Marvel Comics hero”, The Flash said.

“It doesn’t matter!” I almost shouted. “We’re not matchin’ the comic books. We’re just pickin’ a name.” After several minutes of debate, we decided to stay with ‘The Defenders’. We concluded our meeting with a discussion of location of our secret headquarters and ‘The Defenders’ decided that we would use the old Harn Barn. Before ‘The Defenders’ were officially commissioned, we all had to pass the obstacle course. We had spent the entire summer building the course in this clearing. It was comprised of rope swings, trees to climb, rock walls to run across and jump over, trails to race over and an area for target practice. After two hours, all members passed the physical conditioning test.

As a final commemorative act, we issued ourselves membership cards. These cards were simple three by five white index cards, which read ‘Certified member of the Defenders’ on one side, and the other side read ‘Defender of Truth and Justice’ all written in red marker by my childish hand. We signed these emblems of honor and sealed it with our blood with a tiny pinprick to the thumb. We were ‘The Defenders’ – local superheroes. Batman and the Flash headed home as I finished packing my bag. I had to hurry, they would be waiting!

As I raced through the woods back to the giant rock where I left my clothes the woods grew darker. The brightness and the warmth of the day were fading fast. The shadowed woods become eerier with each passing moment, and as I approached the giant rock, my spider senses started to tingle.

“Good Day, Spiderman!” Uncle Glenn called down from his perch on the rock like a gargoyle. Hat sat there just like the Green Goblin. “Everybody’s waiting for you!” Not saying much, I opened the duffle bag and started packing my coiled rope, my red gloves, and my red ski mask. As I removed my Spiderman shirt, he watched me like The Vulture. I continued because they were waiting for me. When I removed my shoes and tights, he descended upon my naked body.

“Defenders Assemble!” I cried. He drank in my innocence against my protestation. “No, please don’t!” I whispered when I realized that my defenders weren’t coming to my rescue.

“Don’t worry Spiderman this is our little secret”, he assured in his soft uncle voice. “It is alright. I love you. You’re a good boy.”

Unable to sob, unable to cry, I finished dressing as the sun abandoned me. As we walked home together, he tried to convince me all Superheroes had secrets and that this was our secret. He shared with me how our secret spared my brother from the same fate. He told me that they were waiting.

The lights from an oncoming car brought me back to today and my drive home. They would be waiting for me. After a few minutes, I pulled into my driveway. A driveway normally populated by my car and my wife’s car, tonight was jammed packed with ten to twelve cars. They were waiting for me. In my car with the engine stopped and the lights off, I closed my eyes and rested my head on the steering wheel. Trying to remember where I left off.

Oh! Yes. They were waiting for me. Uncle Glenn and I entered the house, as friends and family started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. Unable to feel, I walked through the party unable to look at anyone, unable to cry out. The only thought in my head was the wide-open green duffle bag left at the giant rock in the woods. My membership card being blown about by the cool night air like a gravity plucked leaf. What happens when you discover the ones that you love hate you, when your heroes are human or when you discover that you’re not a superhero?

I climbed out of my car into the night as the cool breeze blew through the leaves. October’s breath scattered the leaves like it tossed my Defender membership card many years ago. I resigned myself to this evening like I resigned myself to my uncle. They were waiting for me. I hesitated at the door for a moment, hearing a muffled shuffling sound. They were waiting for me. I opened the door and they shouted surprise and started to sing ‘Happy Birthday!’ The only thought in my head was the wide-open green duffle bag!