Nobody Takes Me Seriously

11/04/2001

Tuesday, July 2:

Today has been unbearable. I am stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic in this three-ring circus on I-95 in Providence, Rhode Island. I can’t tell if the traffic is a result of shoppers going to the Providence Place Mall or vacationers trying to get away from here. Days like today bring out the worst in people. I have been cut-off twice, flipped off a number of times and verbally accosted by complete strangers. It is hot and I am late.

I need the next exit but no one is giving an inch. Driving in this congestion is like walking on stilts for the first time. One wrong move, one improper shift in weight and you tumble down. I make my move. The asshole in the right hand lane is pissed. He flips me off while calling me a fucking bozo. I smile and wave. I am so goddamn late. They won’t understand, and they won’t listen to reason because nobody takes me seriously.

This has been the story of my life. Always the funny one. Always the class clown. I have been the butt of jokes since the day I was born. Rumor has it, that I was born butt first in a very difficult breach birth. My mother has said, when the doctor slapped my ass after delivery that I didn’t cry, but I laughed like some crazy Harlequin.

A Dodge Caravan pulls next to my small car, with its horn blasting like Harpo Marx. A van loaded with teenagers with nothing better to do than moon an old broken down man in a 75’ VW Beetle. I make everyone laugh but why can’t I laugh myself.

Once again, my poor wife will be disappointed, when she finds out that today’s interview was bad. He laughed all right but he would not take me seriously. He said that he would call me but that is what they all say. I even had Verizon test my phone but they just laughed. I need to get a job, a real job and then maybe someone, anyone, will take me seriously.

Once I got off the highway, I made good time to the Swartz’s home. I would be five minutes late. Not bad but the Swartz’s would laugh. I pulled into the driveway of their grand home, bringing my car to a complete stop. Quickly, I checked my face in the mirror. The white grease make-up was perfectly applied and the bright red eye shadow sweated in the heat. I was ready. Ready to make them laugh.